i feel so unlike myself lately. i think im having issues regulating my emotions and feeling okay with. the way that im feeling. i dont really know when im actually sad or when i just feel like i should be sad so i tell myself im sad. ive felt really off lately and its just getting really horrible. i feel like im too old to be acting the way that i act. i dont do anything of value anymore i dont work i never go out alone i dont walk i dont even watch movies im always stagnant. i need to start doing more for myself and doing things because i want to. its like my brain and heart are two different forces always clashing. the things i want to do and the things i actually do are wildly different. because i never do anything. my brain tells me just do continue to do nothing and maybe if i just hope and wish hard enough someone else will drag me out of bed and make me do the things i want to do. but thats not how life works especially when you are grown. i need to start acting on my wishes. and going out and enjoying my life. i wont have any fun sitting around doing nothing. 

 my dad wants to buy me a new mattress before senior year but i dont think i can stomach getting rid of mine... older than me... i have too many memories and dreams connected to this mattress. and also its comfortable and were broke. we cant afford any extra medical expenses so why does he think we can afford a mattress?? whatever. i sleep fine every night. a new mattress would be distressing i think. too many memories! so many people have slept on this mattress over the years! a new mattress is scary. no thank you. horrible 

 weird emotions are always surging through me! i miss the winter. i dont like to be on social media. i dont like people viewing me at all. i wish i went out more but its too hot. i wish i did more but its too hot. the heat makes me always in a bad mood. my period is really late because ive stopped taking birth control. this sounds like im saying im pregnant? hormone levels just weird. i wanna listen to all the music and go and see the whole world i feel so very stuck right now.. i just dont like going out. its not too hot out today, maybe ill go do something. i just dont like seeing people. i miss the winter

how can i make this about the who

 its so hot here.... this heatwave is going to kill me. we got back from springfield on sunday and monday i put up all the posters in my room and the basement. i have this very cute one of brian and keith (stones) and they are right behind my bed and very cute. happy to find a stones poster without mick. i wanted to buy a new poster with the who but all of them cut out enty and that made me really mad so i didnt. i also have this big led zeppelin one up now thats just robert and jimmy rubbing up on eachother.. very beautiful.

ive had horrible sleeping issues the last week i cant sleep because i feel like im hearing things but idk. so ive been falling asleep at 3 every night.

im trying to keep myself entertained without a job. my parents made a big deal over the winter about getting a summer job but now they haven't said a single thing so i dont think they care? i dont really need money that bad i just got a ton of cds from springfield so theres nothing i need that bad. shrug. whatever. its too hot to care about anything at all...