i take a self guided tour of a frank lloyd wright house and suddenly i want to get rid of everything digital i own and read every book in the world

look at this christmas card. this is the most beautiful thing ive seen ever i think. im going to never buy anything again and start sending people these for every holiday

 my bed finally gave out a few days ago, i had to go and buy a new frame from ikea. very very low!! but its also very very nice!! because its lower i could remove the ugly tacky boxes holding my tv up... good riddance!

i found out how to watch movies through websites on my tv, this may be the best thing to happen to me! no, but one of... i can finally watch literally anything on my tv! ive been watching a ton of ken russell films, the devils has been my favorite. so beautiful! 

today i went out and went clothes shopping. i got some levis bootcut jeans so i can finally feel like robert plant when i wear fitting graphic tees. life is so beautiful 

i bought a whole lot of shirts off rockabilia... i hope they arrive soon! there were a ton of who shirts on sale.... so awesome.... i got a mick jagger performance shirt too... my favorite movie.... i just rewatched it too!

i dyed my bangs blue for the coming school year. i have to look my best for the last year before i graduate... how scary. its  a tad uneven but still very very cute. love alot!

life is okay because i am okay... godbless godspeed !

 art institute!

had trouble sleeping last night because i. had redbull for the first time in a while :-( i was really caffeine dependent for a while so i stopped drinking it and i did again and it made me feel real sick

because of that when i woke up and went out i got an awful visual migraine and a splitting headache! a shame because i had to leave early. still fun! 

 

warhol! the colors are so breathtaking in person. absolutely fascinated with the red peeking out of the bottom of the self portrait one. 

"untitled girlfriend" i liked it because pretty pin up style girl. lots of these that struck me as odd. seems very corporate! these were in the same room as some very gorgeous cindy sherman pieces (look up cindy sherman untitled 92 and 93. definitely my favorite pieces in the whole museum. didnt take a photo because the glare of the glass!) 

"le banquet" my phone dosent pick up red but this was like. eye hurting bright red. made my headache worse! so amazing! tbis is what art is for... look up le banquet painting and look how red that is. beautiful!

greek statues are very beautiful. had to go home cause my head was killing me. the statues make me think about how much of a shame it is that nudity and sexuality is so taboo. i was walking around the modern art section and there was a painting (the awakening of the forest) and this little girl with her family was talking very loudly going "theres naked ladies! theres naked people here mom! theres naked people! they are climbing trees!" this girl was well above the age to be acting like this! she seemed no younger than 9. of course its not her fault, its the parents and schools.. because art is not valued anymore! nudity is seen as something extreme! what a shame. you are going to an art museum.... there will be so much nudity! that aside... the statues are so beautiful. its so impressive to me that something made of stone like this can look so soft to the touch. it looks as if i could reach out and touch them, and they would be soft and smooth like our skin. and the cloth would be light and flowy and i could pick it up. its so impressive! so cool! i love art!

 ive lost alot of my sense of time its almost fun. in my room with the blinds and curtains shut its almost comforting not knowing what time it is. not knowing something but not caring at all about the answer. 

i like better call saul alot. maybe i will rewatch breaking bad too. i like getting into new things. its better than being on my phone all day. i need to read too. maybe once school starts ill read more. i dont know. i wish time went faster. everything is moving so slow.

 does anybody read this blog? i always wonder. i have shared the link around a bit. i wonder.

i feel very horrible about everything lately. im really dysphoric and the concept of people perceiving me is making me nauseous. i wish i could go back in time so i could fix every issue ive ever had. 

i hope the fall is beautiful this year. the color orange is my favorite color and the fall is my favorite season. im looking forward for cool early mornings. i dont mind waking early for school. i cant handle being alone for a while either so school will be good for me. i have to hype myself up that doing things alone is okay. going out for walks and shopping and taking the bus alone is scary. i will be in college next year. im almost an adult. doing things alone is okay. 

 i feel so unlike myself lately. i think im having issues regulating my emotions and feeling okay with. the way that im feeling. i dont really know when im actually sad or when i just feel like i should be sad so i tell myself im sad. ive felt really off lately and its just getting really horrible. i feel like im too old to be acting the way that i act. i dont do anything of value anymore i dont work i never go out alone i dont walk i dont even watch movies im always stagnant. i need to start doing more for myself and doing things because i want to. its like my brain and heart are two different forces always clashing. the things i want to do and the things i actually do are wildly different. because i never do anything. my brain tells me just do continue to do nothing and maybe if i just hope and wish hard enough someone else will drag me out of bed and make me do the things i want to do. but thats not how life works especially when you are grown. i need to start acting on my wishes. and going out and enjoying my life. i wont have any fun sitting around doing nothing. 

 my dad wants to buy me a new mattress before senior year but i dont think i can stomach getting rid of mine... older than me... i have too many memories and dreams connected to this mattress. and also its comfortable and were broke. we cant afford any extra medical expenses so why does he think we can afford a mattress?? whatever. i sleep fine every night. a new mattress would be distressing i think. too many memories! so many people have slept on this mattress over the years! a new mattress is scary. no thank you. horrible